Mine is mine, yours is yours

Raising a child with significant needs has taught me incredible life lessons. It has given me a greater perspective on life. It has taught me the importance of grace and forgiveness. And it has taught me that life is hard no matter what you’re given. We all have something we are dealing with, whether it is on display or hidden away. But the one thing that none of us are allowed to do is judge. Judge one another’s pain. Decide who has more. And decide how each other should feel. 

There isn’t a scoreboard that coincides with how you are allowed to feel. There isn’t a rating for the hurts and losses. There isn’t a chart that says “if you have this you’re allowed to feel this way.” There is no “it’s only _____.” Or “it’s just _____.” No one is keeping score. No check marks or gold stars. No one can tell you what you are allowed to feel. No one can tell you that just because you “only” have _____ you don’t deserve to feel the way you do.

Our son is medically complex and although he has brought us unimaginable joy we also have grief and hurt. It’s a peculiar thing grieving for a child you do have. Grieving the experiences that he’ll never have. Grieving for a life you had to completely change. Grieving for the things your entire family has to let go of or miss out on. And you know what? What I grieve may not be what someone else grieves. What hurts me doesn’t hurt everyone. What hurts you may not hurt me. And that’s ok.

Grieving is personal.

Hurt is personal.

Loss is personal.

Everyone is different. Everyone has their own box of life’s hardships. The boxes are individual but each box is full. Some people keep their box tightly sealed so no one can see. Some people have their lid half open so they give others a small peek. And some are completely open for others to see. We don’t get to decide whose box is worse. Whose hurt is deeper. And we definitely don’t get to compare and tell each other how to feel.

Along this journey I have been open and honest. I have shared our box of hardships. I share so others know someone else lives a life like theirs. I share so there is less loneliness. I share my hurts and losses so the mom crying on the bathroom floor knows she’s not alone. In no way am I ever comparing my box to yours, or intend to hurt anyone with my words. In the world of special needs especially, there is a lot of loss. There is a lot of pain and grief.  Life. Parenting. Relationships. Work. There is pain and hurt all around us. But there is no scoreboard. No one wins. 

We don’t get to choose our boxes. What we do get to choose is how we are going to carry that box along the way. We do get to choose how the box makes us feel. Your box of life’s hardships is yours. Mine is mine. It’s ours and ours alone.